I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
