I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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