I just pynch a tree in the face
he wants to bone in the snuggie
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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