HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
