Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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