After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize