I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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