Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
