Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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