i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
