Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.