I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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