and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
