i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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