the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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