He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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