i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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