I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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