i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
