Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
