You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
