Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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