I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
