Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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