saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
