he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
