I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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