Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
