do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
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They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
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I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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