i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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