Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
