Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
