Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
