omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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