Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
