haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
