guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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