all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
