you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
