Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
