Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
