I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
