I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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