my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
