Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
