he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
