How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
What drink are we having for lunch?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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