What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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