walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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