I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
