I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
even my farts smell like vagina
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
