Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
