The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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