He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
