I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
