He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
