I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
