Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
