i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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